Up Close & Personal [vol. I]: 5 Things I've Learned From Battling Social Anxiety
Thank you for checking out the first installment of my Up Close & Personal blog post series. I created this series as a way to connect with my readers/followers on a more personal level. My activity on social media and the internet overall has skyrocketed since I’ve been working on this blog, which has made me realize how inauthentic the social media space can be. From influencers promoting products they may not even be using, to oversaturated marketing (how many people do we need to see in Fashion Nova?), to users utilizing social media to make their lives appear perfect. This isn’t to throw shade. There are tons of influencers I follow who are authentic, and I even understand those that aren’t. This is how they pay their bills (get your money sis), but this isn’t the route I want to take. I want to be my most authentic self. I want to recommend products I actually use, clothes I actually wear, etc. Being 100% authentic also means showing my wins and losses. I wouldn’t be my most authentic self if all I showed was my makeup looking flawless and the new clothes I bought. That’s not even 50% of who I am as a person. I don’t want to appear to be perfect, because I’m far from it.
On that note, for this installment of Up Close & Personal, I’ll be sharing my experience living with social anxiety, and how I manage it. I’m hoping it will be enlightening and/or helpful for folks who may be dealing with social anxiety as well (or something similar).
*Disclaimer: Before we get any deeper into this post, I just want to make sure everyone knows that I am not a doctor, or in the medical field in any way, shape or form. Like Sway, I don’t have all the answers.
What is Social Anxiety?
“A chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.” - Mayo Clinic
3 Common Misconceptions
“Isn’t it just shyness?”
Social anxiety is not the same thing as being shy. People who are shy may or may not have social anxiety. Some people who are shy are 100% content with being shy; it doesn’t impact their health or life choices. A person with social anxiety doesn’t feel comfortable with their social anxiety; it negatively impacts their mental health and they tend to beat themselves up over it.
“But you seem so friendly and outgoing”
Social anxiety is a condition, not a personality trait. You can have social anxiety, and still be friendly. Everyone has different forms and severities of social anxiety, and everyone handles their social anxiety differently.
“You can’t form healthy relationships”
Coming from someone who has social anxiety, I do want to reassure anyone who is battling with it that you can in fact still build meaningful relationships despite your social anxiety. I've found success in building connections 1:1 or in smaller crowds.
5 Things I’ve Learned From Battling Social Anxiety
1. Social anxiety can be improved
My social anxiety began when I started high school, but I wasn’t fully aware of it until I hit my college years. I always just thought I was shy, until I realized that there was a huge difference between plain old shyness and how I would react to and/or avoid certain situations.
I attended the same school from pre-k through junior high. I had the same group of friends for years, but when I went off to high school, all of that changed and I wasn’t able to adapt as well as I thought I would. High school made me feel extremely anxious. I acted as normal as I possibly could, but in reality, as soon as I stepped foot into school every morning, I was counting the hours until it was time for me to leave. My social anxiety took over those years, and I was never able to overcome it because I wasn’t aware of what social anxiety even was.
If I could describe social anxiety in one word, it would be Uncomfortable. I would feel uncomfortable in social settings, after social settings, or if I decided to avoid a social situation. My social anxiety often kept me up at night. My heart would beat uncontrollably, my mind would race, my stomach would turn, my whole body would tense up and I would often beat myself up over how I handled certain interactions.
Large crowds made me feel highly uncomfortable (I’d always look for the nearest exit)
I hated being left in a room full of people I didn’t know
I hated engaging in small talk
It took an enormous amount of time for me to warm up to people
At times, building myself up to say “hello” to an acquaintance would feel like a daunting task
I hated being the center of attention
I’m extremely proud of the fact that I can that my social anxiety has gotten a lot better. While it’s still triggered at times, I have a lot more control over it, and I don’t let it impact my life or my relationships. I’m living proof that it gets better, and you can live a normal life; you just need to put in the work. If self-help isn’t successful for you, I recommend talking to someone; seek therapy if needed. Don’t let it hold you back from living your best life.
2. Avoiding social situations actually made my social anxiety worse
The most debilitating thing I’ve experienced in terms of dealing with social anxiety is letting it get the best of me, and then beating myself up over the fact that it got the best of me. I would get angry with myself over not going somewhere or feeling like I said something dumb during a conversation. I would replay those events in my head until I drove myself crazy. I would avoid social situations (I.E. not saying hello, not engaging in conversation, etc.) and get extremely self conscious about what people probably thought of me due to my avoidance.
I remember feeling terrified going into my senior year of college. I didn’t think I’d land a job after school because I missed out on so many networking opportunities due to my social anxiety. I couldn’t even imagine being in a room full of strangers, let alone having to make conversation with them; so, I didn’t. It was hard for me to recognize the fact that I had social anxiety, because I’d always make excuses for myself. “I don’t feel well, so I’m not going to go to that networking event,” “I don’t think I’m qualified, so I’m going to cancel that interview,” “I have enough friends, so I don’t really need to introduce myself to anyone new.” The list of excuses goes on…
Every time I missed out on something and made an excuse for it, I’d beat myself up over it. On top of that, I was doing myself a disservice socially, professionally, and personally by continuously giving in to my social anxiety. Knowing that I was sabotaging my own life gave me even more anxiety.
3. Exposure therapy helped me learn a lot about myself and my strengths
Exposure therapy was the primary strategy that I used to work through my social anxiety. I would expose myself to situations that would normally make me socially anxious, and try my best to power through them.
During my sophomore year of college, I found this student org on campus called the Student Hip-Hop Organization (SHHO). My love for music and the hip-hop culture made it impossible for me to look the other way, so I found a way to get involved. I joined the e-board as the marketing chair, and continued into my junior year as the treasurer. I was heavily involved in the org, but I still rode in the back seat the majority of the time. When the opportunity to become the president my senior year came about, I was unsure. I didn’t think I’d be a good fit for the position. As the president, you were the main point of contact and the face of the org. You had to engage with strangers, present to crowds, plan and attend large social events, and most importantly, you had to lead a team. I knew becoming the president would require me to be present in situations that would make me feel uncomfortable.
Every time I was at this kind of a crossroad, I would choose to give in to my social anxiety; yet this time, I didn’t. It was likely because music was something I loved, and turning down the position wasn’t a loss I wanted to take. I was willing to trigger my social anxiety to partake in something I enjoyed. I didn’t know it then, but this decision turned out to be one of the greatest decisions I’ve ever made. I know it sounds small. I know you’re likely thinking, “what could a student organization possibly change about your social anxiety?” It changed everything.
Although exposure therapy wasn’t a walk in the park, and there were plenty of times I was close to throwing in the towel, I came to a major realization that I was built to be a leader. For years, I took the passenger seat due to my social anxiety. Being in SHHO made me realize that I was friendly and approachable, I could dominate a room full of people, I could build strong relationships with new people, I had great communication skills, and I could lead a team.
I took these skills and became a people manager in my workplace. I took these skills and created this blog. I took these skills and became a stronger communicator in my personal relationships.
4. It’s okay if I stumble
I created this blog because I love style, beauty, and music. I love these things so much that I decided I wanted to share this love with others.
I actually created this blog back in 2017. Launching it re-triggered my social anxiety, and I wasn’t able to give it the shine or attention it deserved. Initially, I struggled with sharing my blog because I was afraid of getting negative backlash, or people simply not caring about it. Being a blogger also requires you to put yourself out there and connect with people on a daily basis. My social anxiety made me incapable of doing that, so I kept my blog to myself for the most part. I would dip my toes in the idea of presenting it to the world, but I’d always end up pulling back. After a while, I completely stopped creating content on my blog, until I started to realize that I was missing out on doing something I loved by letting my social anxiety get in the way. It was then when I decided it was time to make a change…again.
This experience was very humbling, and made me realize that I’m not always going to have it together. Sometimes my social anxiety will make an appearance. Sometimes I’ll doubt myself. Sometimes I’ll care too much about what people think of me. Sometimes I’ll need to recharge after a day of socializing. Sometimes I may turn down drinks for no specific reason. Sometimes I’ll need to take a break from social media. I can’t always beat myself up for any of these things. I’d be crazy to think I’m going to be 100% perfect and on my game at all times. The main thing that matters is that I’m able to bounce back, and not let these types of situations fester. This is not something I was ever able to do in the past. I used to be the queen of letting things fester. They say the greatest lessons stem from failures. Getting back into blogging after quitting is when I realized that my social anxiety could no longer control me.
5. Positive thinking makes a huge difference
Positive thinking is another strategy I used to battle my social anxiety. I can’t always control when my social anxiety is triggered, but I can control how I respond to it. Instead of giving in to my social anxiety, I have taken on a mind over matter approach. Whenever a negative, anxious, or irrational thought crosses my mind, instead of watering that thought and allowing it to grow, I replace it with a positive, rational thought. I try not to let my social anxiety win, and I’m honestly super proud of the progress I’ve made. Positive thinking really does go a long way.
In the words of the late and great Nipsey Hussle: “When you’re living in this cycle of being negative all day and just putting out negativity, and that’s the only energy you’re putting out, it’s going to return to you...Do your best to master your energy...You’re entitled to whatever experience you want to create for yourself, so if you’re tired of that shit, adjust the energy as best as you can. Adjust what you wake up thinking, what you say, and lastly, what you do.”