Up Close & Personal [vol. ii]: My 2020 Theme - "Time"
Welcome to the 2nd installment of my Up Close & Personal blog series, and welcome to 2020! I'm very excited for this year, because this is the first time I truly feel happy and at peace with where I am in life and who I am as a person. I've always subconsciously made my happiness dependent on a person, place, thing, or event. I was emotionally dependent, and constantly sought happiness outside of myself, when happiness is really supposed to live within.
I don't want to re-do the entirety of 2019. but I do wish I could go back and make a few revisions to the decisions I made lol. Unfortunately, I can't go back in time. I just have to continue looking and moving forward. Fortunately, I started making smarter decisions towards the end of the year, and was able to start 2020 on a positive note.
Right here & right now, I'm happy with no real "reason" to be, which to me is amazing, because I've never been able to get to this point before. I’m not placing my happiness in someone else’s hands…I’m not putting on a facade…I’m truly, 100% happy, and it’s a great feeling.
“No one can waste your time; only you can waste it.
Remember, time cannot be wasted without your permission.”
So my theme of the year is Time. I've always had a tendency to waste my own time, and either not realize I'm wasting my time, or I'd place the blame on someone else. In reality, nobody can waste your time without your permission. Of course there are exceptions to that rule (I.E. abusive relationships), but 99% of the time, when your time is being wasted, you're the cause. This was definitely a hard pill for me to swallow. It was a message that God has been trying to send me for years, and I finally received and digested it.
For me, wasting my time came in many different forms. I’ve stayed in long-term situationships with the hopes that they would turn into something more meaningful. They didn’t. I’ve stayed at companies hoping I’d progress and grow. That didn’t happen either. I’ve waited for people to change, and guess what? They didn’t!
All of these things left me super bitter, resentful and unhappy. The worst part about all of this is that my natural reaction was to try harder lol. (I love that I can laugh at myself now) I would literally invest more time in things that didn’t make me feel good...I would reason, try to convince, stick around, or settle. This would send my self-worth on a downward spiral.
As that resentment and unhappiness built up, I realized that the only person I can resent is myself. I've ignored red flags, I've continued dead-end relationships, I've stayed when I should've left, and I've settled for less than what I've wanted and deserved. Moving forward, I need to make better decisions and navigate situations differently. It's crazy because I'm so in love with who I am now that I can't even believe that I'd put so much of my dignity aside in the past. My heart aches for the woman I used to be. Never again will I let someone question my self-worth and aide in wasting my time. I deserve the world and more, and I'm glad that I've started to act accordingly.
How I'm Valuing My Time This Year:
Knowing what I want and moving with that in mind: There have been too many times that I’ve settled or compromised knowing I wanted something completely different than what I was receiving. Doing this only leaves me with an inadequate feeling. Some situations that I have gotten into could’ve been completely avoided if I didn’t entertain something I didn’t even want. I now know what I want in life, and I need to move accordingly.
Always having an end goal in mind: Whether it be a relationship or a job, there needs to be an end goal in mind. This means not settling for a never ending situationship when I want something with more substance, refusing to hold the same position at a company year over year when I deserve a promotion, etc. I've always been a go with the flow type of person, but as I get older, I'm realizing that there should be an end goal for certain things. Without one, time can fly by and I’ll be left feeling like I completely wasted my time.
Not ignoring red flags: Red flags don't always come in the form of clear disrespect. They can come in the form of someone being inconsistent, showing lack of effort, etc. My goal this year is to take red flags for what they are and exit stage left. Moving forward, I’m seeing people and things for what they are rather than what they have potential to be. If the effort I put out isn’t reciprocated, than sorry to that man.
Learning when to chuck the deuces: This one is a toughie for me, because I’m someone who doesn’t like to give up. Unfortunately, this is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way multiple times. If something is no longer serving my soul, that means that it’s time to leave. Not everything or everyone is meant to stay in my life forever, and I’m learning to accept that.
Loving myself more: It all comes down to this. The more I love myself, the less bullshit I’ll allow. I recently realized that relationships were supposed to be fun, and you’re supposed to like your job lol. This year I’m loving myself enough to be open, fun, and most importantly, happy!
What is your theme of 2020?